Here and There

In which yours truly imagines a world with no John Wilkes Booth …

It’s late 1865, and the rebuilding of the South is slowly getting under way. Federal troops are doing their best to keep the peace in towns small and large throughout the region. There are outbursts of violence here, lynchings there — but all in all, things are settling down.

A beleaguered Abraham Lincoln is realizing that healing the tattered nation will involve a broader legislative agenda. One of his top advisers points to recent breakthroughs in medicine, from various drugs and leeches to vaccinations. The adviser notes the rising costs of care by greedy individuals, some with names that will later become well-known (Stanford, Hopkins, Carnegie). Lincoln proposes a federal program designed to ensure that a level playing field is created, whereby lower-income and destitute people of all regions are provided with a basic standard of affordable medical care.

Rabid telegrapher Russious Limbaughten fires away on his Morse key, warning those who would benefit from the president’s plan that the same man who tore their precious slave-trading nation asunder is out to kill their babies and grandmothers (a novel concept at the time owing to the 46-year life expectancy).

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She left just about everyone baffled by her resignation as governor of Alaska on Friday, a good year-and-a-half before her first term ends.

Everyone and their mother has put forth one or more explanations, ranging from some lurking or existing scandal to political brilliance. I’ll let you google those.

I’d just like to add my $0.02 to the betting pool.

I think Sarah Palin resigned because she’s taking the advice of terrible advisors, those suggesting that in doing so, her supporters will solidify behind this maverick move, and those 40.1 percent extra she’ll need to win the presidency (in addition to the 10 percent who are still hanging on) in 2012 will be so excited by this “bold” move that they will rally behind her, too.

In other words, there’s no new scandal. She gets to use the excuse that the media are beating up on her family, and that she’s resigning to protect them. Never mind that running for president will put her even more front-and-center for the media spotlight. She gets to claim teh awesome of mother cub, then return as Momma Maverick in a couple of years in a formal run for the presidency.

My only response: Go Mitt! Go Mike!

They’ve been plaguing me for at least six months, maybe longer. They are calls from various numbers, various area codes (never local), and because I typically screen unknown numbers, up until yesterday, I had only heard the voicemail extent of their message.

The voicemails always began the same way. “The warranty on your automobile is about to expire.” Oh, you mean that warranty I don’t have, for that car I also don’t own? That one?

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Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work

After their “victory” in stopping evil corporate scum-suckers American Apparel from moving in to the prime real estate (empty storefront on a block with no fewer than four other empty storefronts), where will San Francisco’s self-righteous neighborhood saviors move to next?

Why, the expect new Whole Foods store at Dolores and Market, that’s where.

The natural-food chain definitely kills babies, in addition to quashing competition. What’s worse than preventing people from paying $6 for a box of sucrose-laden cereal, you ask? NOTHING! These criminals must be stopped!

I hate when I agree with Bill O’Reilly. San Francisco is a fucking joke.

* I don’t truly expect the set that pretends to represent the interests of the Mission to fight Whole Foods. No, the same people in the Castro who fought that evil empire Trader Joe’s should be able to handle the noble fight just fine.

** This post is written in a tone of sarcasm. I’ll be back shortly with my true feelings on this oh-so-embarrasing matter.

Since they’re so opposed to the government (you know, the only entity seemingly somewhat willing to try anything to save the economy) spending to help shore up the economy and save jobs, I have an idea for the directionless, nay-saying party of Lincoln:

Why not pool all the rich investment money that’s sitting offshore in tax-free havens and create a mega-company, a super-corporation that will put all the (legal, natch) unemployed people back to work. They wouldn’t want to spend it on anything that might reduce carbon emissions or anything, so just make it … the construction of sports complexes. And prisons. And bombs, of course.

Well? I don’t see you offering up any ideas.

Barack Obama was the Manchruian Candidate, an IRS mole.

Go read the Buffalo Beast’s annual homage to the best of the best. It’s a literary work of freaking pure genius.

My favorite is 20. Joe the Plumber.

Taking a page from Kottke, I’d like to offer my own little nugget of Muppetry:

… copy editor.

Misspelling on front page of Huffington Post:

Hard to be neutral over this.

Did I mention that I’m unemployed? Contact me for my résumé.

Another year, another letdown.

Some have asked for it, so here you are:

The story: I was walking toward the welfare office on a sunny day, minding my own business, scratching my track-mark scars, when all of a sudden, a large white man in a business suit attacked me. He punched me, knocked me down, and began scratching my face. I would later realize that he carved “Mc” into my right cheek. He then grabbed me by my hoodie, put his face close to mine, and said, “YOU WILL VOTE FOR MCCAIN!”

“He’s really just one supreme being.”